Have you or someone you know ever been extremely negative and/or depressed? Have you ever felt confused about what to say or how to act when you or someone you know can’t seem to get out of a funk? In today’s episode of the “Destiny Malibu Podcast,” Destiny Malibu and DJ Dezzee discuss exactly what to do in this situation. This is a beautiful episode that can encourage self-reflection, improved relationships, and a better understanding of one another. Welcome to the angel squad community!
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What Do I Do If Someone I Love Is Depressed?
What is going on, everybody? It’s Destiny Malibu and my co-host DJ Dezzee. We are live from the Virgin Hotels Las Vegas. We are so excited to be back on property in Las Vegas at the Virgin Hotels and doing this live on location. It is so much fun.
It’s a blast. We get to see people walking by and we have a good time here.
If you are new to our show, this is a mental health–focused show where we talk about everything self-development and mental health. We’re a community of people who want to grow and have a growth mindset. Every single day, we want to get better. That’s why we’re here. On our topic, we are going to be addressing a question from a fan, which is exciting.
If you have any questions like this, you can go to AskDestinyMalibu.com and submit your little voice recording memo, and we can address your questions in one of our future episodes.
We’re not going to say the name of who it’s from. We’re going to keep things anonymous, so you guys don’t have to worry about us playing your question on the show or your name. We’ll keep it anonymous unless you specifically state it’s okay. Basically, this person asked, “How do I deal with friends if they are being extremely negative or negative toward you? Do you keep being their friend or do you start creating distance between yourself and them? What do you do in that situation?”
This is a very touchy question because I feel like this relates to the story of every person who struggles with mental health. A lot of people who struggle with mental health often feel like they’re a burden. That can often make the condition way worse. As a friend, how can you be there for someone while simultaneously, not letting what they’re going through also bring you down? How do you find that balance?
In previous episodes, we talked about empathy and sympathy.
Empathy, sympathy, compassion, and relating to people. I’m glad you brought that up. We talked about in another episode the importance of empathy versus sympathy. Empathy is allowing yourself to feel what the other person is feeling. Sympathy is basically not allowing yourself to feel the emotion, but feeling sorry for someone.
In the case of someone who has emotionally drained themselves, you can’t put someone else’s life vest on before you put yours on. If you’re running on empty or your oxygen tank is low, and you are trying to help someone else first, what’s going to happen to you? You’re not going to make it if you’re on empty. I think in the situation of somebody who is emotionally maxed out and you’re a very naturally empathetic person, you don’t want to drain yourself to the point of zero.
I struggle with that too. I am a very empathetic person and if I allowed myself that, I can get drained easily. Sometimes I have a hard time putting a limit on where I can listen to other people’s problems as well as my own. Sometimes we can think that we’re invincible and we can listen to as many people’s problems as possible and still be okay.
I think it’s important to be real with yourself and understand like this person who asked this question. If you are feeling drained and you’re feeling like, “I don’t emotionally have the space to deal with myself and be there for you during this hard time,” it’s a dance because you want to be there for your friend, but you also don’t want to neglect yourself. It’s a dance of finding the balance of being there for your friend while also staying true to yourself and understanding what your own limits are.
It’s super important to know your limits because you need to know your limits and realize that you can set those boundaries for yourself and for your friend in a kind way. Something that I like to tell myself, which is helpful in these kinds of stressful situations, is to deal with it with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.
When you use those words and when you’re trying to work through a problem with someone, doing it out of love and being patient with the other person is so important, especially if you care about this person. They’re a best friend or a family member. If you’re not able to handle the issue on your own anymore or you’re maxed out, have a heart-to-heart and be like, “I need to tell you something that is affecting me.”
I know for me, when I was working, I was having to deal with all these little problems all the time. My boyfriend at the time, at the end of every day, I would vent to him for 10 to 15 minutes, probably for about two weeks every day. Finally, he’s like. “I’m sorry you had a bad day, but I don’t want to hear about it anymore.” It feels harsh but he was doing it because it wasn’t something that he wanted to deal with, which is okay because I was doing it every day.
I was over-complaining. Realizing that I was over-complaining, I dialed it back. It was a lot of self-reflection. As a friend, when you go to someone, they may be a little hurt and they may react. You have to be ready to accept that because your friend is going to be hurt. I was thrown off guard because he was my boyfriend. I’m like, “It’s only 10 or 15 minutes. Why? I’m de-stressing. Why can’t I say this?”
A lot of us that go to work sometimes need to de-stress at the end of the day. Not all the time is it work-related. Sometimes there are other issues that people are dealing with on a regular basis where they need to talk to somebody. When you use one person all the time to complain to, then they’re going to start viewing you as a complainer. As the friend who’s complaining, me being that one in that situation, I learned. I was like, “Because I love my boyfriend, I’m going to dial back my complaining a little bit and find other ways to decompress at the end of my day.”
There was a time in my life when I was struggling with my mental health, and it’s not a linear thing. There are some days or weeks where it’s tough, and then some weeks where I’m feeling on top of the moon and feeling great. There was a time in my life when I knew that I was in a very negative mind space. I was seeing through a lens of negativity.
There was a time in my life when I was really depressed when I felt that way. I did feel guilty and a burden because when I was around people, I knew I wasn’t adding to the room. I was not in a great mood. I had a tendency in the past to self-isolate because I didn’t want to bring other people down, which is also dangerous for somebody struggling with their health. You think isolation is going to help, but a lot of times it makes things worse.
My suggestion for this delicate situation is communication and setting boundaries. If you are the person who knows and if you’re able to self-reflect and be like, “I have been seeing negative things lately,” maybe take a moment to reflect and ask yourself, “Should I see a therapist?” That is literally what a therapist is for. To listen to you, and then to also help you reframe to a more positive lens. If you’re that person like I was at one point, “Do I need to see a therapist or one that really helps me?” I realized a while ago that not everybody does have the emotional capacity to listen to what is stressing me out.
What is a great alternative? Journaling is an amazing free alternative. It’s more fun in some sense to talk to a real human but at the same time, when you get into journaling, you can say absolutely anything you want and just get it all out there. Sometimes that is such a relieving feeling. It’s just you and a piece of paper, or you and the notes app on your phone.
You don’t have to feel bad about hurting anyone’s feelings.
You just let it all out. That can also be a good way to relieve that stress. If you’re the person on the other end or somebody who is dealing with somebody who is struggling in that negative mind space, my suggestion would be to express to them in a very gentle way, “I love you so much, but I personally am also emotionally taxed right now. I can only take on so many additional emotions. I want to be there for you as your friend and be a shoulder to lean on. Would you be okay and comfortable that if there’s something negative you want to talk about, can we set a time limit on how long we talk about that?”
“You can vent to me and say whatever you want for 10 or 15 minutes, and because you also love me as much as I love you as a friend, then for the rest of the day, we’d focus on trying to cheer each other up. We focus on trying to look through a positive lens to the best of our ability.” You’re setting a boundary as a friend.
Depending on how this person reacts, that’s out of your control, but you are being true to yourself in saying, “I love you. I want to be there for you.” I feel some people might take that the wrong way if you suggest therapy, so maybe just send them this video. If you’re like, “Maybe you need to see a therapist,” that might make someone mad, but it’s not a negative thing.
Therapy is a beautiful thing. It helped me so much. I know it would help so many other people. It’s finding that balance of being able to communicate and set your boundaries of what you are comfortable with, and what the other person is comfortable with, and finding a happy medium. If you’re the person who’s venting, you’re realizing, “This is negatively affecting the people I love. How can I change how I’m handling the stress in my life?”
You then turn to a therapist or journaling. That can be life-changing. It can improve not only your life but the lives of people around you too. If you’re on the other end where you are the person listening, you are still being a good friend by listening, but now you’re just saying, “As a boundary for myself, can we put a time limit on this? I also can’t help you if I end up down as well.”
Birds of the same feather flock together.
You have to put your life vest on first before you put someone else’s on. It’s the first thing they tell you when you’re on an airplane. The flight attendants always tell you to put your life vest on first before you start helping people because you can’t help people if you don’t make it. Everything in life is a dance and balance. You can’t get anywhere in life if you don’t communicate.
You want to be there for people, but also you need to be there for yourself. Make sure you’re acknowledging both sides of the coin and finding that balance. That would be my suggestion on that. If the person is a true friend, I think that they’ll understand and they’ll be like, “I get this. I don’t want to make you sad,” and vice versa if the other person is a true friend.
I also want to add to this that there are extremes like if you have a friend who’s not even willing to listen for ten minutes. Anytime you’re bringing anything up, they’re like, “No, don’t talk about anything negative.” That’s a little bit toxic because friendship should have some give and take. On the other way around, if the other person is always talking about negativity, that can also be toxic for the other friend.
Be mindful of each other and how our energy affects each other. To the best of your ability, try to always elevate the vibration in a room. If you’re at a point where you can’t elevate the vibration in a room, then it’s a good option to look into getting some therapy. Therapists can help you in a professional way to figure out what is that block in your life that’s stopping you from being in that mental space.
If you have any follow-up questions to this question that we answered, please go to AskDestinyMalibu.com and we will be happy to continue answering your questions. Any new questions, go to AskDestinyMalibu.com.
If you don’t know the mantra, you’re about to hear it. If you do know it, say it with us. This is the Destiny Malibu show mantra. We like to end every episode with it. If you hate me, I love you. If you love me, I love you even more. You are not alone. We are in this together. We love you guys so much, and we’ll see you in the next episode.
On to today’s episode…
Destiny spends a lot of time talking about the Seven Pillars of mental health. Today, she focuses on another one.
This pillar is easy to overlook. We often don’t associate it with mental health. We often don’t feel like doing it.
But when we do it? The benefits—physical, emotional and mental—are AMAZING! It can make us healthier and give us a dramatic mood lift.
In fact, a study from Harvard Medical School shows that, for some people who suffer from depression, this pillar works as well as antidepressants.
And it’s something we can do anywhere.
So what is it? Listen Now!
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Will This Grow Your “Mental Muscle”?
We have some exciting news. We are going to be talking also about another one of the seven pillars of mental health. We have talked about self-love, purpose, and social life, and now we are going to be talking about exercise.
Everybody’s favorite thing to do.
For a lot of us, sometimes it’s hard to get up and move, especially when our phones are so entertaining.
We are tired from work all day and we are like, “Do I want to go to the gym right now?”
Exercise is so pivotal for quality mental health. I noticed a dramatic difference in my mood when I started making it a priority to exercise regularly.
For me too. When I am stressed or angry about something, my go-to thing is to move around, go for a walk, dance, or go to the gym to get that tension out of my body.
I want to read to you an awesome fact from Harvard Medical School. It says, “For some people, exercise works as well as antidepressants.” That’s insane. What an incredible tool we have at our fingertips. When I’m having a tough day or a difficult day, what can I do to help myself to get out of this mood or whatever it is? When I go to the gym, even if I don’t want to go initially, I always feel so much better.
It says, “Although exercise alone isn’t enough for someone with severe depression,” for those of you who are on medication, that’s totally fine. This is also even an additional thing that we can add to our regimen, regardless of, what that looks like for you. It says, “People who are depressed, neuroscientists have noticed that the hippocampus in the brain, the region that helps regulate mood is smaller. Exercise supports nerve cell growth in the hippocampus improving nerve cell connections, which helps relieve depression.”
This is huge. We often hear these things like, “Drink water or exercise,” whatever it is. It goes in one ear and out the other. Sometimes like, “The old adage of exercise.” Exercising is so beneficial for our lives.
If you think about it, that’s saying the hippocampus is a growing muscle. When you go and work out, you are growing your physical muscles, but you are also growing your mental muscles.
That’s such a good point. That’s fascinating. It creates new neuro connections in the hippocampus. Desiree and I both love to be active in different ways.
She’s more of a gym girl.
I’m a gym girl. Shout out to my gym people.
I am more of a go out and dance, do a sport, or something like that.
I have gotten into line dancing with Desiree. We do that every single week. Sometimes I’m able to get Desiree to the gym with me.
I try to go about once a week. Once a week I’m like, “I don’t get to go dancing. Let’s go hit the gym.”
If you are not a gym person, there are so many ways to get the exercise that doesn’t have to be the gym or this insane rigorous workout.
Yes. Stretching, doing yoga, or something that’s relaxing, but stretching your muscles. I got into yoga the last few years and I did it twice a week. You can do it anywhere. If you have a yoga mat, you can do it at home or wherever. There are so many videos on YouTube on how to do it. Maybe we will even do some videos on how you do yoga.
Maybe we should. It will be fun. We will maybe do a guided workout video, even though I’m not a fitness instructor, but maybe we could show you what we do or our go-to exercises. I also want to stress the importance of fashion at the gym. It’s funny because sometimes we can forget how much an outfit can change how we are feeling. Honestly, a good outfit for a guy or girl has the ability to boost your confidence and mood. Nothing makes me want to work workout more than feeling like a gym baddie in my outfit. If I have a gym baddie outfit on, I’m like, “I have to work out. It’s non-negotiable.” Get those cute workout clothes.
As I said, it doesn’t have to be the gym. You can go on a hike, swim, play pickleball, or tennis, take a dance class, or go for a walk. As Desiree said, you can online on YouTube. It’s so amazing with technology how there are so many lessons online. I have a friend who said that they learned how to line dance from watching a YouTube video. That’s amazing.
Stretching your body is not even that vigorous, but it will improve your mood. It’s making that connection between body and mind. A lot of times we associate exercise with our physical appearance more than anything else. “I got to get shredded for summer. I got to work out to have a summer body.” The physical benefits of exercise are amazing, but for anyone who is struggling with mental health, which all of us, at some point do because we are all humans, in your mind, in my opinion, not make a physical appearance the focus because all shapes and sizes are beautiful, but make overall health the focus.
If we switch the focus from appearance to health, it’s much more encouraging. It’s much more amazing. Instead of being like, “I got to go to the gym because I ate too much,” or something like that. You wake up and go, “I got to the gym because I love myself and I need to show my body love by taking care of my health.” We want you guys to incorporate exercise. Send us to DM and let us know what your activity of choice is.
What’s your favorite thing to do for exercise?
Send us a picture or a selfie. We love to see that.
You can send it to AskDestinyMalibu.com.
We have a special announcement. We are so excited to announce that we are going to be having some upcoming shows at the Virgin Hotel in Las Vegas. Three of the shows we are going to be doing the show live at the Virgin Hotel.
You want to be there for it.
In addition, after the live show, we are going to be doing some live music and then a little meet and greet. It’s going to be so much fun. On one of the days, we are going to be having a Pre-Release Party at the Virgin Hotel. It’s for my upcoming song called Say My Name, which I am so excited for you guys to hear. Everybody that comes to The Shag Room at the Virgin Hotel for the Pre-Release Party is going to be hearing it for the very first time before anyone else.
That event will be for those 21 and over. Make sure you get your tickets as soon as possible because there is limited capacity.
I’m going to let you know the dates. The first show is going to be on October 14, 2022, for all ages. The Pre-Release Party is going to be on October 21, 2022, at The Shag Room at the Virgin Hotel, and that’s 21 plus make sure you get your tickets. The second show is going to be on November 4, 2022. The third show is going to be on December 9, 2022.
Make sure you block out those dates. Come to Las Vegas and hang out with us. It is going to be so much fun. We are so excited to be partnering with the Virgin Hotel on this. We can’t wait to see your beautiful faces, do the show live, do some live music, and share my new song with you. I am so over the moon. We are so excited because the Virgin Hotel Las Vegas is going to be giving one of our listeners a free weekend getaway at the Virgin Hotel.
If you’d like to learn how to enter that sweepstake, you can go to DestinyMalibuPodcast.com.
Make sure you enter to win, block out those dates, and come to our shows at the Virgin Hotel in Las Vegas. We love you folks so much. We hope that you enjoyed this episode. To close out the show, we got to say the Angel Squad mantra. If you are at home or wherever you are, make sure you say this out loud and it is, “If you hate me, I love you. If you love me, I love you even more. You are not alone. We are in this together.” I love you all so much and see you on the next episode.
Mental Health is a crucial topic, in many cases- even a life and death conversation. Mental Health challenges are at epidemic levels. Many people, even young high school and college students, are suffering. Mental Health problems are not easy to discuss and often go unnoticed by those closest to those suffering.
If this is you, if you are struggling with mental health challenges, this podcast is for you. This podcast is a safe place where you can be vulnerable. Here you can feel your feelings. Here is a place you can find a caring, supportive community that understands you. Here is a place you can call home.
Destiny Malibu, a world-renowned singer, songwriter and champion for mental health understands your struggle. It’s her struggle, too. Many of her friends and family are also dealing with mental health challenges. When Destiny Malibu talks about mental health issues, she speaks from experience. She offers hope for better days. Destiny helps her listeners find joy even in the little things, like petting your dog or smiling at strangers.
Listen to the podcast here
Destiny Vs Depression!
If you’ve ever struggled with loneliness, anxiety, or depression, then this show is for you. In this show, Destiny Malibu will help you move from self-hate to self-love, confidence, and happiness. I’ve watched Destiny talk to and help thousands of students. I know she can help you. I know because I’m her mom. Here are your show hosts, my daughters Destiny Malibu and DJ Dezzee.
What’s going on everybody? It’s Destiny Malibu and my co-host DJ Dezzee. We are so excited because this is our first-ever episode. The main topic that we are going to be discussing on this show is mental health. Dezzee and I have had different experiences on our mental health journeys. A lot of people don’t know this, but I suffered pretty severely from depression at a certain point in my life.
I remember about four years ago sitting in my car and being completely broken inside, lost, and numb. I remember at the time saying, “I didn’t even remember what it felt like to be happy.” I wanted my life to be over. I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts. I was googling how to end my life, and pretty much all of this I kept to myself.
My family knew that I struggled with depression, but they didn’t know that I was having suicidal thoughts. Thank God, now I have no suicidal tendencies. It doesn’t mean I’m immune to having a bad day or a bad week or something like that. That is something that I want to share with you guys and what has helped me because there is a big difference between being sad and being suicidal. If there’s anything that I could emphasize, stress, and try to be there for you, it’s how to help you get out of that suicidal space.
If you or someone you know is struggling with that, it’s so important to check in on people and check in on your friends because I’ve always been known for being a very happy bubbly person. Most of the time I am. Pretty much my whole life, I’ve always been a very bubbly happy person, but four years ago, during that year and a little bit of the year before, I was broken and nobody knew that.
I noticed a little and I tried to be there for you as much as I could as your big sister. I’m so happy you’re not in that place anymore.
It’s important to emphasize that mental health struggles don’t always look the same. A lot of times people think, “You can recognize when someone is suicidal because they’ll be moping around and seem like there’s a cloud over their head or something,” but that’s not always the case. More often than not, a lot of people hide their emotions because they’re afraid of being a burden. The dangerous part about that is that the number one tool of prevention is talking to somebody.
Sometimes it’s simply having one conversation with someone if you see someone and you notice that they are maybe crying. That’s happened to me a lot. I’ve been out and I see someone crying. I’m like, “Are you okay?” You never know when having one conversation with somebody can be the difference between that person taking their life and not. In addition to that, it’s so important to check on your friends, even if they don’t seem sad. In my experience, I was suffering from suicidal depression and no one knew that. Thank God, I have my sister, my parents, and my family, but not everybody has that. Dezzee and I want to be your family.
We want you to be a part of our family. I’m so thankful that you’re not in that place anymore. We hope that you all can learn from our journeys. I’ve never personally dealt with depression, but I have had my own moments of loneliness or trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Sometimes it can be super confusing. You almost feel lost, but I was never depressed. I’m happy that I was able to figure some things out. I’m still figuring things out as we all are.
Probably the most scary thing for me is being alone. I don’t like to be alone. I always like to go out, do things, and try to keep myself busy. Thankfully, I have my sister and my family. My favorite place to go back to when I lived in California was Borderline, which is a country line dance bar and grill. I would dance myself to happiness. That is what I love to do. What I always like to do in my free time is dance. Unfortunately, we had a very tragic event happen at our Borderline bar. There was a mass shooting, where I was at. It was extremely terrifying and tragic.
I don’t like to talk about it too much, but it was a traumatic experience for me and my family. We lost too many people that night, and may they all rest in peace. I send my love out to all my Borderline friends and all the families who lost loved ones. You’re in my prayers and my thoughts all the time. Shortly right after that, another traumatic experience happened the day after for our family when our house burned down in a loose fire.
Thankfully, our whole family got out, our dogs got out, and we were able to survive that tragic event as well. All of that comes with its own ramifications, where you get triggered by something or you don’t like talking about it. You never know how you’re going to feel. We want to share with you what we have learned, how we have come to jump over those hurdles, how to get over them, and how to continue to move forward.
In this life, none of us are immune to experiencing pain. Dezzee and I want to be there with you on your journey. We want to know what you are going through. You can send questions to AskDestinyMalibu.com. Anything that you want to hear our opinion on, what we think about something, or if we’ve experienced something similar, let us know.
Our goal with this show and sharing our vulnerable, raw, and authentic experiences is to hopefully, in one of those moments, resonate with some of you where maybe you’re going through something similar. When I hear somebody else talking about something they’re struggling with, and it’s something that I have also struggled with, I’m like, “I’m not alone. I’m not crazy.” Other people go through this too. We want to be your support system and your family. Next episode, we are so excited because we’re going to be talking about the seven pillars of mental health.
This is something that Destiny put together all on her own.
I’m excited about this because when I say that I want to share with you what helped me get out of the pit of suicidal depression are these seven pillars. As I was journaling throughout the years at this stage in my life, I recognized that this is what helped me get to where I am now. I want to share that with you because I don’t want anyone to feel like they don’t have the tools and do not know what to do because it took me a long time to figure out how to get to the mental piece that I have now. We want to share that with you. We want to be your family. We love you, and we can’t wait to be your best friends every single week.
We hope you join us next time.
That’s a wrap for this episode. Head on over to iTunes and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every week who subscribes and posts their review on iTunes will win an entry into the grand prize drawing for a private VIP Las Vegas weekend with Destiny Malibu. Head on over to DestinyMalibuPodcast.com and pick up a free copy of Destiny’s gift. See you in the next episode.