S1:E18 | You Will Have This Problem With EVERYONE You Meet
What is something that you will come across in every single relationship you ever have? Arguments. Conflict. Difference of opinion. Even if it’s rare, disagreements will happen. So how do get through conflict when it arises? Can conflict actually bring us closer together? In today’s episode, Destiny and Dezzee share their tips on healthy conflict resolution.
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You Will Have This Problem With EVERYONE You Meet
What’s going on everybody? We are so excited to be back live at the Virgin Hotels Las Vegas. We are so excited to be bringing more mental health topics to you guys. We’re all about self-development and improving ourselves every single day in this community to the best of our abilities. We’re so happy that you guys are joining the community and a part of our family. In this episode, we are going to be talking about a topic that I think is important, which is conflict resolution.
It’s inevitable. We’re going to have issues with our friends, family, or strangers. You never know who it’s going to be.
Also, romantic relationships.
Learning how to deal with those conflicts is very crucial to surviving in this world.
As Dezzee said, having arguments with people is literally inevitable. No matter how much you love somebody and how much they mean the world to you, arguments will happen. Studies have shown that arguments can be a healthy part of growing your relationship, feeling more comfortable with one another, and feeling you’re your most vulnerable self as long as you find a way to resolve and have conflict resolution in a healthy way.
If both people at the end of an argument feel that they’ve been heard and both people are sorry and you’re able to move forward, it builds a sense of, “We can get through anything with this person,” whether it’s a romantic relationship, family, friend, or whatever. We want to share with you guys some tips on how to get through conflicts, which are always going to happen, and the best way you can do it.
Should we tell our story?
Dezzee and I are best friends and sisters. We love each other.
However, right before we got here, we had a little spits bath.
We had an argument and a lot of people are surprised when they hear that Dezzee and I have arguments. There’s like, “No way. You guys never have a fight. You are best friends.” We are. We love each other immensely, but we still get into arguments
That’s because sometimes we see things differently. We do. The way Destiny wants to handle something is usually different than the way I want to handle something. Now, we realized that there are different priorities that Destiny has over me. It’s not that anything is more important in certain aspects. We’re not giving you the details but we realized to compromise and meet in the middle. We were able to get on here and do the show.
I will say that you are never going to agree with someone 100%, not even a significant other. You may love them to the moon and back, but if you were with each other long enough, I promise you, you are going to have an argument about something. It will come up inevitably. What do we do in those situations when we are having an argument? We want to share some tips with you guys. The first one is to accept that arguments are inevitable.
You will never agree with someone 100%, not even with your significant other. You may love them to the moon and back, but if you are with each other long enough, arguments will come up inevitably.
Also, how we deal with it in a positive way.
The second one is when conflict arises, to the best of your ability, try to stay calm. I know that’s easier said than done. I am someone who definitely when I was younger, had a little bit of a temper, which nobody would think either. I’m a little spicy, and that’s okay. It’s okay to learn within yourself, “What areas do I need to work on with me?”
I had to work on a moment of conflict trying my best to stay calm and sometimes that means that I need to walk away from the situation for an hour or maybe a few hours and calm down, breathe, or journal. Reflect on my perspective and try to understand the other person’s perspective, step into the person’s shoes and relax. In any type of conflict, you’re going to get a better result if you are not screaming at each other and being belligerent and name-calling. That’s never going to get you what you want.
No, because a lot of times people are going to react the way you react. If someone comes at you and you come right back at them, you can’t fight fire with fire.
That’s the lyric of my song Silver Lining. I was just going to say that.
That’s the biggest thing because it’s only going to grow. It’s going to heat up. Things are going to be said and unfortunately, you can’t take back what you say and it’s going to stay with that person probably for the rest of their life.
You can apologize. There are always times when we say things that we don’t mean. That always happens but it’s being able to try to refocus and stay calm to the best of your abilities so don’t say things that you don’t mean if you can help it.
A reminder again, my favorite words, deal with it with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.
That is how we should try to, in a difficult situation, think about what Dezzee just said and try to focus on those things to recenter. Everybody has a different threshold of how much time they need after a conflict. Sometimes if a conflict happens, for me, I might need five hours to calm down, go to the gym, go for a walk, see a friend or whatever.
Other times, maybe you’re able to resolve it more quickly, but you need to communicate with the other person because every time it’s going to be a little different. Also, the idea is that you don’t have to solve an issue right away, even though that can be a little stressful for some people. I know it used to be very stressful for me. You can table it aside. We’re going to come back to this.
It’s because we have an important event to go to and I want to enjoy this event.
Maybe you need to decompress or whatever the reason is. It’s not okay to never talk about that issue again and sweep it under the rug. That’s also different but to say, “Can we revisit this in a few hours or in a few days or whatever because I need some time.” Also, try to the best of your ability to respect each other’s needs for that and try to communicate that.
You want to allow both people to listen to their perspectives. You want to be able to listen to each other and each person’s state or what it is that is bothering them regarding the issue.
Also, do your best to listen. It’s easier said than done, but try to listen and try to understand where that person is coming from. Just because you’re trying to understand doesn’t mean that you have to agree. Just so that way both people feel heard and feel understood, it is important to try to understand where the other person is coming from in order to find a place of resolution.
Another one that’s good is when you’re listening, when you’re the one speaking, it’s important to use I statements such as, “I didn’t like how I felt when this happens.”
Also, “I feel sad when X, Y, Z happens.” You have to try to the best of your ability to avoid pointing fingers and saying, “You do this. You do that,” because immediately when you’re saying you, it puts people on the defensive. Subconsciously to the other person, it feels like you’re blaming them for the whole situation and now you’re not going to get through to them because they’re feeling defensive.
It’s hard to consciously remember all of this, but once you practice it, you try to stay calm, listen, and use I statements, it does help. Another thing is working together. If you both can remind each other while you’re arguing and be like, “I love you and I want to find a resolution.” Make sure the other person knows that your goal is to resolve this. “I love you and I want to find a resolution. If you need time, if you need space, that’s totally fine but I want you to know that I love you and I don’t want to have this argument. I’m sorry we’re having this argument, but I want to make sure that we both feel seen and understood and have our needs met.”
You don’t want to have the issue be where you think that the person is the problem. It’s the issue that’s the problem, not necessarily the person.
That’s important too. It’s separating the person from the problem because if you love somebody, it’s important to remind yourself, “We’re all human. I’m mad at the issue at hand. I dislike the issue at hand, but I don’t dislike the person.” To the best of your ability, try to remind yourself that because that will also help you be more open to finding a resolution. Unless this person is literally a very toxic person and you’re going crazy. Maybe it is important to separate yourself or cut ties. If this is only a once-in-a-while thing, remind yourself, “We’re only having an argument. Everything’s going to be fine. We love each other. This is about the issue at hand.”
Last but not least is also one of my songs. In my song Vamos, which is about agree to disagree. You’re never going to see eye to eye with anybody 100% on every single topic ever. It doesn’t happen. We’re all individuals. We all have opinions. We all have different perspectives. Even when you love somebody to the moon and back, you’re going to have different perspectives on things. That’s totally okay and that’s coming to a point in your life where you’re like, “It’s okay that I and this person don’t agree on everything.” Celebrate each other’s individuals and differences and be like, “It’s okay that we don’t agree.”
That’s where working together is important because how one person might do something and the other person might do it another way, maybe you can come up with some creative way how to work on it together.
In addition to that, I don’t want what I said to be used as justification for unhealthy relationships either in the concept of let’s say a romantic relationship. It’s okay to agree to disagree, but if you guys don’t see eye to eye on everything, in general, you are going to be happiest around people with whom you’re generally compatible and see the world through the same lens and there are differences in there.
I have personally been in a situation where I’m like, “I can agree to disagree on everything and still be romantically involved with somebody. Even though that’s a beautiful utopian thought, you do need compatibility to have sustainable love. I think even outside of romantic relationships, it is important to surround yourself with diversity and different opinions. At the same time, when it comes to your close circle who’s around you all the time, being compatible in your mindsets and worldviews to an overall baseline is helpful in avoiding a large majority of conflict.
We’ve been talking a lot in the last few episodes about the importance of balance and that life is a dance. Also, finding that balance of peace. Surrounding yourself with people that you are overall compatible with and that make you feel even happier with your life but also realizing that it’s totally okay if, with those people, we don’t agree on everything. You’re not going to agree on absolutely everything. Remembering that and realizing that a disagreement is not the end of their relationship. It does not have to be. As long as you remember these resolution skills and tips.
You’re not going to agree on everything, but realize that a disagreement is not the end of the relationship.
That’s what we want to share with you.
We hope that during the holidays if you’re at Christmas dinner and somebody is fighting, throwing wine at each other or grabbing forks at the dinner table, and if you’re about to get into arguments, remember these tips that we shared with you guys so that you can try to resolve them. We love you guys so much. Thank you so much for hanging out with us.
If you have any questions, please go to AskDestinyMalibu.com and you can record a voice memo and submit your questions. We’ll give it a listen. We answered one of them in our previous episode. Hopefully, you get to listen to that one. Thanks for submitting your questions. We got more coming.
We are going to end this episode with the show’s mantra. If you know it, say with us. If you don’t know it yet, then hopefully you can learn it. It is, “If you hate me, I love you. If you love me, I love you even more. You are not alone. We are in this together.” I love you all so much and we’ll see you on the next episode. Happy Holidays.