S1:E18 | You Will Have This Problem With EVERYONE You Meet

S1:E18 | You Will Have This Problem With EVERYONE You Meet

by | Dec 23, 2022 | Podcast

TDMP 18 | Conflict Resolution

 

What is something that you will come across in every single relationship you ever have? Arguments. Conflict. Difference of opinion. Even if it’s rare, disagreements will happen. So how do get through conflict when it arises? Can conflict actually bring us closer together? In today’s episode, Destiny and Dezzee share their tips on healthy conflict resolution.

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Listen to the podcast here

 

You Will Have This Problem With EVERYONE You Meet

What’s going on everybody? We are so excited to be back live at the Virgin Hotels Las Vegas. We are so excited to be bringing more mental health topics to you guys. We’re all about self-development and improving ourselves every single day in this community to the best of our abilities. We’re so happy that you guys are joining the community and a part of our family. In this episode, we are going to be talking about a topic that I think is important, which is conflict resolution.

It’s inevitable. We’re going to have issues with our friends, family, or strangers. You never know who it’s going to be.

Also, romantic relationships.

Learning how to deal with those conflicts is very crucial to surviving in this world.

As Dezzee said, having arguments with people is literally inevitable. No matter how much you love somebody and how much they mean the world to you, arguments will happen. Studies have shown that arguments can be a healthy part of growing your relationship, feeling more comfortable with one another, and feeling you’re your most vulnerable self as long as you find a way to resolve and have conflict resolution in a healthy way.

If both people at the end of an argument feel that they’ve been heard and both people are sorry and you’re able to move forward, it builds a sense of, “We can get through anything with this person,” whether it’s a romantic relationship, family, friend, or whatever. We want to share with you guys some tips on how to get through conflicts, which are always going to happen, and the best way you can do it.

Should we tell our story?

Dezzee and I are best friends and sisters. We love each other.

However, right before we got here, we had a little spits bath.

We had an argument and a lot of people are surprised when they hear that Dezzee and I have arguments. There’s like, “No way. You guys never have a fight. You are best friends.” We are. We love each other immensely, but we still get into arguments

That’s because sometimes we see things differently. We do. The way Destiny wants to handle something is usually different than the way I want to handle something. Now, we realized that there are different priorities that Destiny has over me. It’s not that anything is more important in certain aspects. We’re not giving you the details but we realized to compromise and meet in the middle. We were able to get on here and do the show.

I will say that you are never going to agree with someone 100%, not even a significant other. You may love them to the moon and back, but if you were with each other long enough, I promise you, you are going to have an argument about something. It will come up inevitably. What do we do in those situations when we are having an argument? We want to share some tips with you guys. The first one is to accept that arguments are inevitable.

 

You will never agree with someone 100%, not even with your significant other. You may love them to the moon and back, but if you are with each other long enough, arguments will come up inevitably.

 

Also, how we deal with it in a positive way.

The second one is when conflict arises, to the best of your ability, try to stay calm. I know that’s easier said than done. I am someone who definitely when I was younger, had a little bit of a temper, which nobody would think either. I’m a little spicy, and that’s okay. It’s okay to learn within yourself, “What areas do I need to work on with me?”

I had to work on a moment of conflict trying my best to stay calm and sometimes that means that I need to walk away from the situation for an hour or maybe a few hours and calm down, breathe, or journal. Reflect on my perspective and try to understand the other person’s perspective, step into the person’s shoes and relax. In any type of conflict, you’re going to get a better result if you are not screaming at each other and being belligerent and name-calling. That’s never going to get you what you want.

No, because a lot of times people are going to react the way you react. If someone comes at you and you come right back at them, you can’t fight fire with fire.

That’s the lyric of my song Silver Lining. I was just going to say that.

That’s the biggest thing because it’s only going to grow. It’s going to heat up. Things are going to be said and unfortunately, you can’t take back what you say and it’s going to stay with that person probably for the rest of their life.

You can apologize. There are always times when we say things that we don’t mean. That always happens but it’s being able to try to refocus and stay calm to the best of your abilities so don’t say things that you don’t mean if you can help it.

A reminder again, my favorite words, deal with it with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

That is how we should try to, in a difficult situation, think about what Dezzee just said and try to focus on those things to recenter. Everybody has a different threshold of how much time they need after a conflict. Sometimes if a conflict happens, for me, I might need five hours to calm down, go to the gym, go for a walk, see a friend or whatever.

Other times, maybe you’re able to resolve it more quickly, but you need to communicate with the other person because every time it’s going to be a little different. Also, the idea is that you don’t have to solve an issue right away, even though that can be a little stressful for some people. I know it used to be very stressful for me. You can table it aside. We’re going to come back to this.

It’s because we have an important event to go to and I want to enjoy this event.

Maybe you need to decompress or whatever the reason is. It’s not okay to never talk about that issue again and sweep it under the rug. That’s also different but to say, “Can we revisit this in a few hours or in a few days or whatever because I need some time.” Also, try to the best of your ability to respect each other’s needs for that and try to communicate that.

You want to allow both people to listen to their perspectives. You want to be able to listen to each other and each person’s state or what it is that is bothering them regarding the issue.

Also, do your best to listen. It’s easier said than done, but try to listen and try to understand where that person is coming from. Just because you’re trying to understand doesn’t mean that you have to agree. Just so that way both people feel heard and feel understood, it is important to try to understand where the other person is coming from in order to find a place of resolution.

Another one that’s good is when you’re listening, when you’re the one speaking, it’s important to use I statements such as, “I didn’t like how I felt when this happens.”

Also, “I feel sad when X, Y, Z happens.” You have to try to the best of your ability to avoid pointing fingers and saying, “You do this. You do that,” because immediately when you’re saying you, it puts people on the defensive. Subconsciously to the other person, it feels like you’re blaming them for the whole situation and now you’re not going to get through to them because they’re feeling defensive.

It’s hard to consciously remember all of this, but once you practice it, you try to stay calm, listen, and use I statements, it does help. Another thing is working together. If you both can remind each other while you’re arguing and be like, “I love you and I want to find a resolution.” Make sure the other person knows that your goal is to resolve this. “I love you and I want to find a resolution. If you need time, if you need space, that’s totally fine but I want you to know that I love you and I don’t want to have this argument. I’m sorry we’re having this argument, but I want to make sure that we both feel seen and understood and have our needs met.”

You don’t want to have the issue be where you think that the person is the problem. It’s the issue that’s the problem, not necessarily the person.

That’s important too. It’s separating the person from the problem because if you love somebody, it’s important to remind yourself, “We’re all human. I’m mad at the issue at hand. I dislike the issue at hand, but I don’t dislike the person.” To the best of your ability, try to remind yourself that because that will also help you be more open to finding a resolution. Unless this person is literally a very toxic person and you’re going crazy. Maybe it is important to separate yourself or cut ties. If this is only a once-in-a-while thing, remind yourself, “We’re only having an argument. Everything’s going to be fine. We love each other. This is about the issue at hand.”

Last but not least is also one of my songs. In my song Vamos, which is about agree to disagree. You’re never going to see eye to eye with anybody 100% on every single topic ever. It doesn’t happen. We’re all individuals. We all have opinions. We all have different perspectives. Even when you love somebody to the moon and back, you’re going to have different perspectives on things. That’s totally okay and that’s coming to a point in your life where you’re like, “It’s okay that I and this person don’t agree on everything.” Celebrate each other’s individuals and differences and be like, “It’s okay that we don’t agree.”

That’s where working together is important because how one person might do something and the other person might do it another way, maybe you can come up with some creative way how to work on it together.

In addition to that, I don’t want what I said to be used as justification for unhealthy relationships either in the concept of let’s say a romantic relationship. It’s okay to agree to disagree, but if you guys don’t see eye to eye on everything, in general, you are going to be happiest around people with whom you’re generally compatible and see the world through the same lens and there are differences in there.

I have personally been in a situation where I’m like, “I can agree to disagree on everything and still be romantically involved with somebody. Even though that’s a beautiful utopian thought, you do need compatibility to have sustainable love. I think even outside of romantic relationships, it is important to surround yourself with diversity and different opinions. At the same time, when it comes to your close circle who’s around you all the time, being compatible in your mindsets and worldviews to an overall baseline is helpful in avoiding a large majority of conflict.

We’ve been talking a lot in the last few episodes about the importance of balance and that life is a dance. Also, finding that balance of peace. Surrounding yourself with people that you are overall compatible with and that make you feel even happier with your life but also realizing that it’s totally okay if, with those people, we don’t agree on everything. You’re not going to agree on absolutely everything. Remembering that and realizing that a disagreement is not the end of their relationship. It does not have to be. As long as you remember these resolution skills and tips.

 

You’re not going to agree on everything, but realize that a disagreement is not the end of the relationship.

 

That’s what we want to share with you.

We hope that during the holidays if you’re at Christmas dinner and somebody is fighting, throwing wine at each other or grabbing forks at the dinner table, and if you’re about to get into arguments, remember these tips that we shared with you guys so that you can try to resolve them. We love you guys so much. Thank you so much for hanging out with us.

If you have any questions, please go to AskDestinyMalibu.com and you can record a voice memo and submit your questions. We’ll give it a listen. We answered one of them in our previous episode. Hopefully, you get to listen to that one. Thanks for submitting your questions. We got more coming.

We are going to end this episode with the show’s mantra. If you know it, say with us. If you don’t know it yet, then hopefully you can learn it. It is, “If you hate me, I love you. If you love me, I love you even more. You are not alone. We are in this together.” I love you all so much and we’ll see you on the next episode. Happy Holidays.

 

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S1:E17 | Holiday Blues? Here’s How To Fix It

S1:E17 | Holiday Blues? Here’s How To Fix It

by | Dec 2, 2022 | Podcast

TDMP 17 | Holiday Blues

 

Studies show that the holiday season has typically a negative effect on mental health for a majority of people. Destiny Malibu and DJ Dezzee share their tips on how to beat the holiday blues.

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Listen to the podcast here

 

Holiday Blues? Here’s How To Fix It

We are so excited to be talking about something very close to our hearts that we are very passionate about, which is mental health. We talked about How to Cope with Losing a Loved One. Now, we are going to talk about how to maintain quality mental health during the holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year are very intense times when people typically are seeing their family and travel. There are a lot of different things going on at this time of the year. I want to read you guys a little quote, and this is from NAMI, which is a mental health organization.

It says that a NAMI study showed that 64% of people with mental illness report holidays make their conditions worse. That’s a very large percentage. It says that for many people, the holiday season is not always the most wonderful time of the year. It was said by NAMI Medical Director Ken Duckworth. For individuals and families coping with mental health challenges, the holiday season can be a lonely or stressful time filled with anxiety and/or depression.

If you are living with a mental health condition, stress can also contribute to worsening symptoms. We want to talk with you. Now that we are going into this holiday season, how can we help each other out, be there for each other, be there for ourselves, and work through our emotions during the holiday season? We have some tips for you. I know one thing I want to point out that’s going to be with Dezzee and me. We have pretty much celebrated every single Christmas with our Grandpa Doug.

I’m sure there are going to be a lot of emotions that are going to be coming up for this holiday season, and that there are a lot of you that are having different situations. Some people are far away from their families and are experiencing loneliness. You have the opposite situation where people are overwhelmed with the idea of seeing so much family. Maybe they have some complicated family dynamics, and it can create a lot of stress.

We want to talk with you about what we can do to cope with emotions and stressors during the holiday season. The first thing that we want to suggest to you is to recognize what your needs are and be gentle with yourself. Everybody has a different situation during the holiday season. It’s important to pause, check in with yourself, and ask yourself, “What are the trigger points that are causing me the most stress in my life now?”

For some people, that’s going to be the idea of being lonely in the holidays. How can we remedy that? If you are worried about being lonely during the holidays, maybe in advance, call up some friends and have a friend’s Thanksgiving or Christmas party. Those are fun. Dezzee and I have done quite a few of those, and they are a good time.

If you are someone who is overwhelmed with the idea of making a shopping list and having to get all of those shopping details done on your own, maybe delegate and ask someone else in your family or your friend group if they can help you with getting all of the things done on your checklist that you need to accomplish.

Grandma would always ask us and still asks us every year, “Can you make a list of things that you want so don’t have to think too much?”

Sometimes that is the best thing. I’m that person too. When it comes to holiday gift shopping, I like to buy people gifts that I know they want. Sometimes if I see something and I’m like, “This is so that person. I know they will love it,” I will make it a surprise. There is something about knowing in advance what someone wants. It also takes relief off of your head and like, “I want to make sure I get them something that they are going to like.” Either way can work, but it is nice to think in advance about what different things you could try to help yourself through your potential needs during the holidays and potential stressors.

Something else that is important to remember is to be thankful. I know that our family on my mom’s side, every year we all stand in a circle. We hold hands and tell each other what we are thankful for. Some of us have a short like, “I’m thankful for my family.” Some of us have a lot to be thankful for. It’s always nice to hear everyone’s thoughts on how they are thankful and what experiences they had that year that they are thankful for.

One of my favorite traditions of our family is we all stand in a circle and share something that we are thankful for. It’s such a beautiful experience to connect with everybody. That’s something that maybe if you haven’t done that, try it at your family get-together. Maybe there’s some tension in the room or some issues there. Maybe you haven’t seen each other in a while, and you want to feel connected. When you all go in around the room and say something that you are thankful for, by the end of it, when you finish that circle, you feel that your heart feels so warm.

You feel closer to everyone. You want to give a big group hug.

It’s a very bonding experience, and it’s one of my favorite traditions that we have as a family. I highly suggest that. At any time of our life, when we are struggling with mental health, especially during the holiday season, gratitude is genuinely a lifesaver. When you are feeling down and struggling with something, sometimes reframing your thoughts and focusing on something, even if it’s small that you are grateful for can kickstart your mind to help you move away from a direction that might not be so beneficial.

In any time of our lives when we're struggling with mental health, especially during the holiday season, gratitude is genuinely a lifesaver. Share on X

We say this all the time. If you are having a bad day, let yourself feel that. Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel what you need to feel, but remember after you have had that moment of expressing that part of your emotions to then move over into gratitude to the best of your ability. Even if you are not feeling it, you are feeling down, or you are not feeling grateful for anything, do me a favor and still make a list.

Set a boundary for yourself and give yourself a certain amount of time to be okay, but focus on something positive, whether it’s having water to drink and food to eat, a roof over your head, or a hand to hold.

Speaking of boundaries, that’s a good way to bring up another tip that we have for you. For a lot of people, sometimes the holiday season can be stressful because family dynamics can be complicated. Maybe you are going to see a relative or someone that you know bring up a little bit of stress in your soul. Something I want to remind you that you can do is you can set boundaries.

Even during the holiday season, boundaries are such a beautiful way to exercise self-love and compassion and be aware within yourself of what you can handle and cannot handle. Sometimes when you are already stressed and overwhelmed, the last thing you need is to have an argument about something that happened several years ago at a family reunion. Sometimes that’s not the best way to spend the holidays, probably not ever the best way to spend the holidays.

We want to remind you that if you are in a situation where you are feeling uncomfortable when you know something is being brought up that you are not comfortable speaking about, you have the power and the ability to gently and kindly say, “I love you so much, but I’d love it if, during this holiday season, we could talk about something else because I don’t want this to cause an issue. I love you so much and I want to enjoy the evening, night, or morning, whatever it is.” It’s okay to make those little requests and say them in a kind way. Remember that how people act is a reflection of themselves and not you.

It is going to be what you expect from other people in this season.

Regardless of how somebody reacts or what somebody says, try to remind yourself that it’s not personal because whatever is coming out of someone’s mouth is a reflection of something that they probably need to work on.

Whatever comes out of someone's mouth is a reflection of something that they probably need to work on. Share on X

Don’t forget to set those boundaries with them in the most loving possible way possible. As I was saying, set your expectations from your family members or even maybe the party that you are planning. If you have everyone over to your house for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the holidays, sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves that it has to be perfect. You got to have all the perfect decorations and food, “I have all the perfect gifts for everybody.” It’s not about being perfect. It’s about enjoying the moment, loving each other, and being patient with each other. Remember that we all make mistakes, it’s okay, and we got to be there for each other. It’s the holiday season. It’s supposed to be a time of happiness and love.

As someone myself who struggles with perfectionism, I can tell you that is a recipe for disaster because the reality is none of us are perfect. No situation is perfect. If you are striving for perfection, you will always be let down because perfection doesn’t exist. We were all imperfectly perfect. It’s okay to have an event or a situation go a little bit differently than you expected. It’s important during this season to be able to go with the flow and be okay when something doesn’t go exactly the way you planned.

I don’t know if this has happened to us, but I feel like we have burned some food during the holidays.

You read my mind. I was going to say that, even if you burned the turkey, which I feel that’s happened to us probably. I don’t remember if it was for Thanksgiving, but I remember one time there was something going on and everything went wrong. The green beans burned. The turkey fell on the floor. Something crazy happened.

We ended up going out for a Thanksgiving dinner.

I was in Malibu. I don’t remember exactly, but I’m pretty sure it was during the holiday season. We all shed a tear because it was like, “What the heck is going on?” We laughed about it and decided to turn it into a bonding moment. We ended up going out to eat. It was a great holiday. It’s okay if everything doesn’t go exactly the way you planned.

Another thing that we want to remind you is that something that people sometimes struggle with during the holiday season is sometimes budget because there’s so much money being spent on gifts, family get-togethers, and all this stuff. Setting a budget can be something that extremely can relieve stress because you are like, “I’m spending this X amount of money on these gifts and these decorations on this.” That way, at the end of the year, you are not like, “I went way over my budget,” and get mad at yourself or however that goes. It is important to set a budget and be aware of what it is that you want to spend money on in advance because that is something that stresses out a lot of people during the holidays.

If you have a chance to set aside a little bit of money throughout the year, when you get to the end of the year, then you are like, “I have saved all this money so I have this money. I can also spend this much more.” It builds on itself. Maybe you didn’t get a chance to do that this 2022, but you can start planning for 2023.

In addition, sometimes we put an over-emphasis on spending money on expensive things for the holidays, gifts, and things like that. Sometimes the best gifts are inexpensive. It’s quality time. Some gifts that I love to give are photographs. I love to receive that gift also more than a lot of things because it’s a memory. It’s something special. It’s something handwritten.

It’s sometimes the sentimental value over the monetary value that hits home. I want to remind you that the holiday season doesn’t have to be super expensive. If you want to go and ball out, let’s go for it, but it doesn’t have to be that way either. Sometimes spending time with each other is the best gift that you could ever give. We love you so much, guys, and we hope that these tips help you through this holiday season. We are so excited to be live from the Virgin Hotels Las Vegas. We hope that you come back for more episodes.

If you have any questions, you can go to AskDestinyMalibu.com. You can submit your questions for some upcoming episodes that we are going to have and we’ll go ahead and address some of those questions on those future episodes.

We have been getting a lot of questions in there, so we will be addressing those very soon. I’m excited to do that. We love you folks so much, and we will see you on the next episode. Love you. Happy holidays.

 

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