Have you or someone you know ever been extremely negative and/or depressed? Have you ever felt confused about what to say or how to act when you or someone you know can’t seem to get out of a funk? In today’s episode of the “Destiny Malibu Podcast,” Destiny Malibu and DJ Dezzee discuss exactly what to do in this situation. This is a beautiful episode that can encourage self-reflection, improved relationships, and a better understanding of one another. Welcome to the angel squad community!
Listen to the podcast here
What Do I Do If Someone I Love Is Depressed?
What is going on, everybody? It’s Destiny Malibu and my co-host DJ Dezzee. We are live from the Virgin Hotels Las Vegas. We are so excited to be back on property in Las Vegas at the Virgin Hotels and doing this live on location. It is so much fun.
It’s a blast. We get to see people walking by and we have a good time here.
If you are new to our show, this is a mental health–focused show where we talk about everything self-development and mental health. We’re a community of people who want to grow and have a growth mindset. Every single day, we want to get better. That’s why we’re here. On our topic, we are going to be addressing a question from a fan, which is exciting.
If you have any questions like this, you can go to AskDestinyMalibu.com and submit your little voice recording memo, and we can address your questions in one of our future episodes.
We’re not going to say the name of who it’s from. We’re going to keep things anonymous, so you guys don’t have to worry about us playing your question on the show or your name. We’ll keep it anonymous unless you specifically state it’s okay. Basically, this person asked, “How do I deal with friends if they are being extremely negative or negative toward you? Do you keep being their friend or do you start creating distance between yourself and them? What do you do in that situation?”
This is a very touchy question because I feel like this relates to the story of every person who struggles with mental health. A lot of people who struggle with mental health often feel like they’re a burden. That can often make the condition way worse. As a friend, how can you be there for someone while simultaneously, not letting what they’re going through also bring you down? How do you find that balance?
In previous episodes, we talked about empathy and sympathy.
Empathy, sympathy, compassion, and relating to people. I’m glad you brought that up. We talked about in another episode the importance of empathy versus sympathy. Empathy is allowing yourself to feel what the other person is feeling. Sympathy is basically not allowing yourself to feel the emotion, but feeling sorry for someone.
In the case of someone who has emotionally drained themselves, you can’t put someone else’s life vest on before you put yours on. If you’re running on empty or your oxygen tank is low, and you are trying to help someone else first, what’s going to happen to you? You’re not going to make it if you’re on empty. I think in the situation of somebody who is emotionally maxed out and you’re a very naturally empathetic person, you don’t want to drain yourself to the point of zero.
I struggle with that too. I am a very empathetic person and if I allowed myself that, I can get drained easily. Sometimes I have a hard time putting a limit on where I can listen to other people’s problems as well as my own. Sometimes we can think that we’re invincible and we can listen to as many people’s problems as possible and still be okay.
I think it’s important to be real with yourself and understand like this person who asked this question. If you are feeling drained and you’re feeling like, “I don’t emotionally have the space to deal with myself and be there for you during this hard time,” it’s a dance because you want to be there for your friend, but you also don’t want to neglect yourself. It’s a dance of finding the balance of being there for your friend while also staying true to yourself and understanding what your own limits are.
It’s super important to know your limits because you need to know your limits and realize that you can set those boundaries for yourself and for your friend in a kind way. Something that I like to tell myself, which is helpful in these kinds of stressful situations, is to deal with it with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.
When you use those words and when you’re trying to work through a problem with someone, doing it out of love and being patient with the other person is so important, especially if you care about this person. They’re a best friend or a family member. If you’re not able to handle the issue on your own anymore or you’re maxed out, have a heart-to-heart and be like, “I need to tell you something that is affecting me.”
I know for me, when I was working, I was having to deal with all these little problems all the time. My boyfriend at the time, at the end of every day, I would vent to him for 10 to 15 minutes, probably for about two weeks every day. Finally, he’s like. “I’m sorry you had a bad day, but I don’t want to hear about it anymore.” It feels harsh but he was doing it because it wasn’t something that he wanted to deal with, which is okay because I was doing it every day.
I was over-complaining. Realizing that I was over-complaining, I dialed it back. It was a lot of self-reflection. As a friend, when you go to someone, they may be a little hurt and they may react. You have to be ready to accept that because your friend is going to be hurt. I was thrown off guard because he was my boyfriend. I’m like, “It’s only 10 or 15 minutes. Why? I’m de-stressing. Why can’t I say this?”
A lot of us that go to work sometimes need to de-stress at the end of the day. Not all the time is it work-related. Sometimes there are other issues that people are dealing with on a regular basis where they need to talk to somebody. When you use one person all the time to complain to, then they’re going to start viewing you as a complainer. As the friend who’s complaining, me being that one in that situation, I learned. I was like, “Because I love my boyfriend, I’m going to dial back my complaining a little bit and find other ways to decompress at the end of my day.”
There was a time in my life when I was struggling with my mental health, and it’s not a linear thing. There are some days or weeks where it’s tough, and then some weeks where I’m feeling on top of the moon and feeling great. There was a time in my life when I knew that I was in a very negative mind space. I was seeing through a lens of negativity.
There was a time in my life when I was really depressed when I felt that way. I did feel guilty and a burden because when I was around people, I knew I wasn’t adding to the room. I was not in a great mood. I had a tendency in the past to self-isolate because I didn’t want to bring other people down, which is also dangerous for somebody struggling with their health. You think isolation is going to help, but a lot of times it makes things worse.
My suggestion for this delicate situation is communication and setting boundaries. If you are the person who knows and if you’re able to self-reflect and be like, “I have been seeing negative things lately,” maybe take a moment to reflect and ask yourself, “Should I see a therapist?” That is literally what a therapist is for. To listen to you, and then to also help you reframe to a more positive lens. If you’re that person like I was at one point, “Do I need to see a therapist or one that really helps me?” I realized a while ago that not everybody does have the emotional capacity to listen to what is stressing me out.
What is a great alternative? Journaling is an amazing free alternative. It’s more fun in some sense to talk to a real human but at the same time, when you get into journaling, you can say absolutely anything you want and just get it all out there. Sometimes that is such a relieving feeling. It’s just you and a piece of paper, or you and the notes app on your phone.
You don’t have to feel bad about hurting anyone’s feelings.
You just let it all out. That can also be a good way to relieve that stress. If you’re the person on the other end or somebody who is dealing with somebody who is struggling in that negative mind space, my suggestion would be to express to them in a very gentle way, “I love you so much, but I personally am also emotionally taxed right now. I can only take on so many additional emotions. I want to be there for you as your friend and be a shoulder to lean on. Would you be okay and comfortable that if there’s something negative you want to talk about, can we set a time limit on how long we talk about that?”
“You can vent to me and say whatever you want for 10 or 15 minutes, and because you also love me as much as I love you as a friend, then for the rest of the day, we’d focus on trying to cheer each other up. We focus on trying to look through a positive lens to the best of our ability.” You’re setting a boundary as a friend.
Depending on how this person reacts, that’s out of your control, but you are being true to yourself in saying, “I love you. I want to be there for you.” I feel some people might take that the wrong way if you suggest therapy, so maybe just send them this video. If you’re like, “Maybe you need to see a therapist,” that might make someone mad, but it’s not a negative thing.
Therapy is a beautiful thing. It helped me so much. I know it would help so many other people. It’s finding that balance of being able to communicate and set your boundaries of what you are comfortable with, and what the other person is comfortable with, and finding a happy medium. If you’re the person who’s venting, you’re realizing, “This is negatively affecting the people I love. How can I change how I’m handling the stress in my life?”
You then turn to a therapist or journaling. That can be life-changing. It can improve not only your life but the lives of people around you too. If you’re on the other end where you are the person listening, you are still being a good friend by listening, but now you’re just saying, “As a boundary for myself, can we put a time limit on this? I also can’t help you if I end up down as well.”
Birds of the same feather flock together.
You have to put your life vest on first before you put someone else’s on. It’s the first thing they tell you when you’re on an airplane. The flight attendants always tell you to put your life vest on first before you start helping people because you can’t help people if you don’t make it. Everything in life is a dance and balance. You can’t get anywhere in life if you don’t communicate.
You want to be there for people, but also you need to be there for yourself. Make sure you’re acknowledging both sides of the coin and finding that balance. That would be my suggestion on that. If the person is a true friend, I think that they’ll understand and they’ll be like, “I get this. I don’t want to make you sad,” and vice versa if the other person is a true friend.
I also want to add to this that there are extremes like if you have a friend who’s not even willing to listen for ten minutes. Anytime you’re bringing anything up, they’re like, “No, don’t talk about anything negative.” That’s a little bit toxic because friendship should have some give and take. On the other way around, if the other person is always talking about negativity, that can also be toxic for the other friend.
Be mindful of each other and how our energy affects each other. To the best of your ability, try to always elevate the vibration in a room. If you’re at a point where you can’t elevate the vibration in a room, then it’s a good option to look into getting some therapy. Therapists can help you in a professional way to figure out what is that block in your life that’s stopping you from being in that mental space.
If you have any follow-up questions to this question that we answered, please go to AskDestinyMalibu.com and we will be happy to continue answering your questions. Any new questions, go to AskDestinyMalibu.com.
If you don’t know the mantra, you’re about to hear it. If you do know it, say it with us. This is the Destiny Malibu show mantra. We like to end every episode with it. If you hate me, I love you. If you love me, I love you even more. You are not alone. We are in this together. We love you guys so much, and we’ll see you in the next episode.
Happy New Year angels! In today’s episode of the “Destiny Malibu Podcast,” Destiny Malibu and DJ Dezzee share their tips on how to become the most confident version of yourself in 2023.
Listen to the podcast here
How To Be Your Most Confident Self In 2023
What is going on, everybody? We are so excited to be back. If you are new to the show, we are a mental health focus show. Our goal is to talk about things that can help us all as individuals improve our lives and ourselves and become the best versions of ourselves possible.
We want to have a little conversation with you to tell you about life experiences and how we get through them. That is how we would like to share our mental health and how we get through things on our own and hopefully share some tips for you.
The first topic that we are going to be discussing is confidence. It is an interesting topic. It took a minute for me as an individual to find where my confidence came from, how to be in tune with myself and know that I can walk into a room and feel powerful and strong.
Even though she was always probably the loudest in the room, I don’t think anybody thought she had any confidence issues because she would talk loud. I teach her through the marker.
It is because I talk too much. Confidence is something that comes from within. It is a core thing. Dezzee has always been somebody that was always naturally confident. We talked about this in an episode before.
I have my moments of insecurity. I like to pretend I’m the tough girl and nothing bothers me but deep down, I cry sometimes.
If you didn’t cry sometimes, I would be more worried about you. How do we cultivate this core confidence where we can walk into any room and not outwardly to other people who come off as confident or as a certain way but truly and deeply feel that way inside?
The first tip that we have for you is about posture and body language, which you don’t want to slump over. You want to stand up tall. Shoulders back and relaxed. Something that you learn in yoga. You have to remember and remind yourself, especially if you are not used to it. It is a habit. It is something that you practice every day. Stretching also helps. That is something to keep in mind.
Don’t be afraid to check your posture. Roll your shoulders and back as you are reading this. Drop your shoulders, unclench your jaw and relax. If you didn’t know this, body language is 55% of all communication. Your body language is immensely important not only to how you come off to other people but how you feel about yourself. Some studies have shown that standing in the superman position.
They always look confident.
They are always standing super tall in this type of pose because body language is not only perceived as confident but internally makes you feel more confident. If I stand like this for three minutes, I feel like I am running the world. It does elevate your confidence. I had people come up to me a lot of times. They are random people at a bar. They will be like, “You come across so confident.” I always thought that was fascinating because I have worked hard on becoming a more confident person. I perceive one of the main reasons why people think that of me is because of how I stand and walk into a room. When I sit down, my shoulders are down. I’m standing tall and my chin is a little bit up. Except before the show when mom was telling you, “Sit up tall.”
Ninety-nine percent of the time, I have good posture. Before we were filming this, I hunched over like a sloth. Now I’m not ironically talking about posture in the episode.
I do believe that is one of the main reasons why people interpret me that way. Especially as a woman, there is beautiful free-flowing femininity. You are being elegant and comfortable in your body in how you are standing. It is weird and seems obvious. If you are hunched over and you look nervous, you are thinking, “Do people like me?” Even if you are not saying anything, people pick up on that.
It is in your aura and vibe. People can sense it.
That brings us to the next point, which is mindset. It is so critical when it comes to core confidence. If you are sitting there, in my opinion, these are some of the steps to confidence on top of our seven pillars of mental health, which is huge. Aside from that, specifically talking about how to boost your confidence, your shoulders are back, relaxed, standing tall, long back of the neck and chin up. You are feeling good. What works internally can we do? The external is looking good.
It is the mindset. What are you thinking?
It is interesting because we like to think that our thoughts are private and they are but what you think does exude out of your body. If you are thinking a negative thought about somebody, you might even be making facial expressions, subconsciously unaware, where you are signaling to that person that you don’t like them.
I have been in a room where someone is on the other side of the room. You see them looking at someone. You can tell they don’t like that person over there for some reason.
You can pick up on those things. If you are sitting there thinking, “Does anybody like me? Am I fitting in here? Am I acting weird?” People can sense that in your body language. If you are sitting there thinking, which I know sounds narcissistic but to motivate yourself to feel confident, it is like affirmations.
If you have heard of affirmations, you look in the mirror and say, “I am beautiful. I’m strong and confident.” Verbally speaking those words into existence has an effect on your body. If you look in the mirror and you are like, “I am the hottest person in the world,” that sounds intense. It was like, “How could you think that?” As long as you are continuing to be a nice person, there is nothing wrong with thinking that.
It is boosting yourself. Be your little starfish in your ear telling yourself happy words.
In reference to Aquamarine. If you have seen Aquamarine, there is a scene in that movie where she is a mermaid. She becomes a person and has on these earrings.
It is an actual starfish. They say, “Aquamarine, you are the most beautiful angel ever. You are so wonderful.”
She was like, “Thanks, guys.” You can be that for yourself.
Be your own starfish.
Give yourself a high five.
If you haven’t seen it, shame on you. It is such a good movie.
It is a lot about mindset and confidence. Tell yourself, “I am sexy. I am loved. Everybody wants me.” Even though that sounds crazy, if you are thinking things like that, people perceive you the way you perceive yourself. This is a fact. If you perceive that you are cool, loved, lovable, worthy of love and likable, people are going to believe that too and it is attractive to see somebody love themselves that much.
You are like, “I want to be like that.”
When you see somebody so comfortable in their skin, it is inspiring. Another addition I wanted to say about mindset is the concept that true core confidence also is a little bit of delusion. If you are thinking, “I’m the hottest person in the world,” there are lots of beautiful people out there but you are the only version of yourself that exists.
It is beautiful all on its own.
The addition I want to say about mindset is true core confidence is understanding that being confident means being comfortable with failure and rejection. Let’s say there is someone super hot at a bar that you like. You go up to them and they are not giving you the vibe that they are interested. That is okay. That has no reflection on you. You could go into a Prada store. They are all Prada but someone might say, “I don’t like this version.” Does that mean that the bag is worth anything less? No. It is not that person’s cup of tea. That is fine.
Realizing that rejection and failure have no reflection on who you are as a person. You don’t allow that to shake your core confidence. That is a huge part of truly being confident, like being able to love and understanding that loving means that you might get hurt. Knowing that regardless of what happens, no matter how many times you fail, get rejected and get hurt that you are going to be okay. You got your own back. You are confident and know that what is meant for you will come to you easily.
It is something that growing up, dad always said, “You are going to get 100 noes before you get a yes.” You got to keep trying and don’t give up.
It is perspective. That is such a good point. If you think, “I got 100 noes. I suck,” that is a different mindset of like, “I’m going to get 100 noes where we are going to get a yes. One more no, I’m getting closer to the yes.” It is the same situation but a different mindset. That is something that we have to exercise daily. There are days when I wake up where I’m feeling super confident and there are days when I have to give myself an extra twenty minutes to do words of affirmation, look in the mirror, love myself and encourage myself.
Every day is different. We never know what we are going to be feeling that day. A lot of people can attest to that depending on what you ate and how much you slept. Remember to realize that it is okay if things don’t go your way. You are at this peacefulness with yourself and whatever gets thrown at you in life.
The last one that we are going to be talking about is seeking validation. This one is a little bit complicated in the sense that if you know anything about love languages. I’m a big word of affirmation person and physical touch person. In words of affirmation, you could consider that like validation. It is something that feels good.
Everyone loves to receive a compliment and an encouraging phrase. It took me a minute to learn this and hone in on the power of this concept. Even though it is always going to be nice to receive a compliment from someone and experience that, when you stop seeking validation from people and instead you validate yourself, that is when my core confidence peaks and goes through the roof.
If you are always relying on other people to tell you that you have a nice outfit, you look pretty tonight or you are smart, that is not always going to be a daily thing. If you are turning to yourself to validate yourself, you look in the mirror and say, “You are beautiful and smart,” you become someone who is not seeking anything from anybody around you. You are at peace within yourself. You are standing tall. You got the mindset and you are validating yourself. If someone comes around, there is nothing they can give you that you can’t give yourself. There is something extremely powerful. It is mesmerizing about that.
It is like your song, Me, Myself & Netflix.
If you haven’t heard it, it talks about working on yourself and building yourself up.
That is how you build confidence.
If you have any questions, please go to AskDestinyMalibu.com. We love you so much. We are so thankful to be at the Virgin Hotels Las Vegas. If you know our mantra, we would love for you to say it with us. We like to end our episodes with the mantra, which is, “If you hate me, I love you. If you love me, I love you even more. You are not alone. We are in this together.” We will see you in the next episode.
What is something that you will come across in every single relationship you ever have? Arguments. Conflict. Difference of opinion. Even if it’s rare, disagreements will happen. So how do get through conflict when it arises? Can conflict actually bring us closer together? In today’s episode, Destiny and Dezzee share their tips on healthy conflict resolution.
Listen to the podcast here
You Will Have This Problem With EVERYONE You Meet
What’s going on everybody? We are so excited to be back live at the Virgin Hotels Las Vegas. We are so excited to be bringing more mental health topics to you guys. We’re all about self-development and improving ourselves every single day in this community to the best of our abilities. We’re so happy that you guys are joining the community and a part of our family. In this episode, we are going to be talking about a topic that I think is important, which is conflict resolution.
It’s inevitable. We’re going to have issues with our friends, family, or strangers. You never know who it’s going to be.
Also, romantic relationships.
Learning how to deal with those conflicts is very crucial to surviving in this world.
As Dezzee said, having arguments with people is literally inevitable. No matter how much you love somebody and how much they mean the world to you, arguments will happen. Studies have shown that arguments can be a healthy part of growing your relationship, feeling more comfortable with one another, and feeling you’re your most vulnerable self as long as you find a way to resolve and have conflict resolution in a healthy way.
If both people at the end of an argument feel that they’ve been heard and both people are sorry and you’re able to move forward, it builds a sense of, “We can get through anything with this person,” whether it’s a romantic relationship, family, friend, or whatever. We want to share with you guys some tips on how to get through conflicts, which are always going to happen, and the best way you can do it.
Should we tell our story?
Dezzee and I are best friends and sisters. We love each other.
However, right before we got here, we had a little spits bath.
We had an argument and a lot of people are surprised when they hear that Dezzee and I have arguments. There’s like, “No way. You guys never have a fight. You are best friends.” We are. We love each other immensely, but we still get into arguments
That’s because sometimes we see things differently. We do. The way Destiny wants to handle something is usually different than the way I want to handle something. Now, we realized that there are different priorities that Destiny has over me. It’s not that anything is more important in certain aspects. We’re not giving you the details but we realized to compromise and meet in the middle. We were able to get on here and do the show.
I will say that you are never going to agree with someone 100%, not even a significant other. You may love them to the moon and back, but if you were with each other long enough, I promise you, you are going to have an argument about something. It will come up inevitably. What do we do in those situations when we are having an argument? We want to share some tips with you guys. The first one is to accept that arguments are inevitable.
You will never agree with someone 100%, not even with your significant other. You may love them to the moon and back, but if you are with each other long enough, arguments will come up inevitably.
Also, how we deal with it in a positive way.
The second one is when conflict arises, to the best of your ability, try to stay calm. I know that’s easier said than done. I am someone who definitely when I was younger, had a little bit of a temper, which nobody would think either. I’m a little spicy, and that’s okay. It’s okay to learn within yourself, “What areas do I need to work on with me?”
I had to work on a moment of conflict trying my best to stay calm and sometimes that means that I need to walk away from the situation for an hour or maybe a few hours and calm down, breathe, or journal. Reflect on my perspective and try to understand the other person’s perspective, step into the person’s shoes and relax. In any type of conflict, you’re going to get a better result if you are not screaming at each other and being belligerent and name-calling. That’s never going to get you what you want.
No, because a lot of times people are going to react the way you react. If someone comes at you and you come right back at them, you can’t fight fire with fire.
That’s the lyric of my song Silver Lining. I was just going to say that.
That’s the biggest thing because it’s only going to grow. It’s going to heat up. Things are going to be said and unfortunately, you can’t take back what you say and it’s going to stay with that person probably for the rest of their life.
You can apologize. There are always times when we say things that we don’t mean. That always happens but it’s being able to try to refocus and stay calm to the best of your abilities so don’t say things that you don’t mean if you can help it.
A reminder again, my favorite words, deal with it with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.
That is how we should try to, in a difficult situation, think about what Dezzee just said and try to focus on those things to recenter. Everybody has a different threshold of how much time they need after a conflict. Sometimes if a conflict happens, for me, I might need five hours to calm down, go to the gym, go for a walk, see a friend or whatever.
Other times, maybe you’re able to resolve it more quickly, but you need to communicate with the other person because every time it’s going to be a little different. Also, the idea is that you don’t have to solve an issue right away, even though that can be a little stressful for some people. I know it used to be very stressful for me. You can table it aside. We’re going to come back to this.
It’s because we have an important event to go to and I want to enjoy this event.
Maybe you need to decompress or whatever the reason is. It’s not okay to never talk about that issue again and sweep it under the rug. That’s also different but to say, “Can we revisit this in a few hours or in a few days or whatever because I need some time.” Also, try to the best of your ability to respect each other’s needs for that and try to communicate that.
You want to allow both people to listen to their perspectives. You want to be able to listen to each other and each person’s state or what it is that is bothering them regarding the issue.
Also, do your best to listen. It’s easier said than done, but try to listen and try to understand where that person is coming from. Just because you’re trying to understand doesn’t mean that you have to agree. Just so that way both people feel heard and feel understood, it is important to try to understand where the other person is coming from in order to find a place of resolution.
Another one that’s good is when you’re listening, when you’re the one speaking, it’s important to use I statements such as, “I didn’t like how I felt when this happens.”
Also, “I feel sad when X, Y, Z happens.” You have to try to the best of your ability to avoid pointing fingers and saying, “You do this. You do that,” because immediately when you’re saying you, it puts people on the defensive. Subconsciously to the other person, it feels like you’re blaming them for the whole situation and now you’re not going to get through to them because they’re feeling defensive.
It’s hard to consciously remember all of this, but once you practice it, you try to stay calm, listen, and use I statements, it does help. Another thing is working together. If you both can remind each other while you’re arguing and be like, “I love you and I want to find a resolution.” Make sure the other person knows that your goal is to resolve this. “I love you and I want to find a resolution. If you need time, if you need space, that’s totally fine but I want you to know that I love you and I don’t want to have this argument. I’m sorry we’re having this argument, but I want to make sure that we both feel seen and understood and have our needs met.”
You don’t want to have the issue be where you think that the person is the problem. It’s the issue that’s the problem, not necessarily the person.
That’s important too. It’s separating the person from the problem because if you love somebody, it’s important to remind yourself, “We’re all human. I’m mad at the issue at hand. I dislike the issue at hand, but I don’t dislike the person.” To the best of your ability, try to remind yourself that because that will also help you be more open to finding a resolution. Unless this person is literally a very toxic person and you’re going crazy. Maybe it is important to separate yourself or cut ties. If this is only a once-in-a-while thing, remind yourself, “We’re only having an argument. Everything’s going to be fine. We love each other. This is about the issue at hand.”
Last but not least is also one of my songs. In my song Vamos, which is about agree to disagree. You’re never going to see eye to eye with anybody 100% on every single topic ever. It doesn’t happen. We’re all individuals. We all have opinions. We all have different perspectives. Even when you love somebody to the moon and back, you’re going to have different perspectives on things. That’s totally okay and that’s coming to a point in your life where you’re like, “It’s okay that I and this person don’t agree on everything.” Celebrate each other’s individuals and differences and be like, “It’s okay that we don’t agree.”
That’s where working together is important because how one person might do something and the other person might do it another way, maybe you can come up with some creative way how to work on it together.
In addition to that, I don’t want what I said to be used as justification for unhealthy relationships either in the concept of let’s say a romantic relationship. It’s okay to agree to disagree, but if you guys don’t see eye to eye on everything, in general, you are going to be happiest around people with whom you’re generally compatible and see the world through the same lens and there are differences in there.
I have personally been in a situation where I’m like, “I can agree to disagree on everything and still be romantically involved with somebody. Even though that’s a beautiful utopian thought, you do need compatibility to have sustainable love. I think even outside of romantic relationships, it is important to surround yourself with diversity and different opinions. At the same time, when it comes to your close circle who’s around you all the time, being compatible in your mindsets and worldviews to an overall baseline is helpful in avoiding a large majority of conflict.
We’ve been talking a lot in the last few episodes about the importance of balance and that life is a dance. Also, finding that balance of peace. Surrounding yourself with people that you are overall compatible with and that make you feel even happier with your life but also realizing that it’s totally okay if, with those people, we don’t agree on everything. You’re not going to agree on absolutely everything. Remembering that and realizing that a disagreement is not the end of their relationship. It does not have to be. As long as you remember these resolution skills and tips.
You’re not going to agree on everything, but realize that a disagreement is not the end of the relationship.
That’s what we want to share with you.
We hope that during the holidays if you’re at Christmas dinner and somebody is fighting, throwing wine at each other or grabbing forks at the dinner table, and if you’re about to get into arguments, remember these tips that we shared with you guys so that you can try to resolve them. We love you guys so much. Thank you so much for hanging out with us.
If you have any questions, please go to AskDestinyMalibu.com and you can record a voice memo and submit your questions. We’ll give it a listen. We answered one of them in our previous episode. Hopefully, you get to listen to that one. Thanks for submitting your questions. We got more coming.
We are going to end this episode with the show’s mantra. If you know it, say with us. If you don’t know it yet, then hopefully you can learn it. It is, “If you hate me, I love you. If you love me, I love you even more. You are not alone. We are in this together.” I love you all so much and we’ll see you on the next episode. Happy Holidays.
Studies show that the holiday season has typically a negative effect on mental health for a majority of people. Destiny Malibu and DJ Dezzee share their tips on how to beat the holiday blues.
Listen to the podcast here
Holiday Blues? Here’s How To Fix It
We are so excited to be talking about something very close to our hearts that we are very passionate about, which is mental health. We talked about How to Cope with Losing a Loved One. Now, we are going to talk about how to maintain quality mental health during the holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year are very intense times when people typically are seeing their family and travel. There are a lot of different things going on at this time of the year. I want to read you guys a little quote, and this is from NAMI, which is a mental health organization.
It says that a NAMI study showed that 64% of people with mental illness report holidays make their conditions worse. That’s a very large percentage. It says that for many people, the holiday season is not always the most wonderful time of the year. It was said by NAMI Medical Director Ken Duckworth. For individuals and families coping with mental health challenges, the holiday season can be a lonely or stressful time filled with anxiety and/or depression.
If you are living with a mental health condition, stress can also contribute to worsening symptoms. We want to talk with you. Now that we are going into this holiday season, how can we help each other out, be there for each other, be there for ourselves, and work through our emotions during the holiday season? We have some tips for you. I know one thing I want to point out that’s going to be with Dezzee and me. We have pretty much celebrated every single Christmas with our Grandpa Doug.
I’m sure there are going to be a lot of emotions that are going to be coming up for this holiday season, and that there are a lot of you that are having different situations. Some people are far away from their families and are experiencing loneliness. You have the opposite situation where people are overwhelmed with the idea of seeing so much family. Maybe they have some complicated family dynamics, and it can create a lot of stress.
We want to talk with you about what we can do to cope with emotions and stressors during the holiday season. The first thing that we want to suggest to you is to recognize what your needs are and be gentle with yourself. Everybody has a different situation during the holiday season. It’s important to pause, check in with yourself, and ask yourself, “What are the trigger points that are causing me the most stress in my life now?”
For some people, that’s going to be the idea of being lonely in the holidays. How can we remedy that? If you are worried about being lonely during the holidays, maybe in advance, call up some friends and have a friend’s Thanksgiving or Christmas party. Those are fun. Dezzee and I have done quite a few of those, and they are a good time.
If you are someone who is overwhelmed with the idea of making a shopping list and having to get all of those shopping details done on your own, maybe delegate and ask someone else in your family or your friend group if they can help you with getting all of the things done on your checklist that you need to accomplish.
Grandma would always ask us and still asks us every year, “Can you make a list of things that you want so don’t have to think too much?”
Sometimes that is the best thing. I’m that person too. When it comes to holiday gift shopping, I like to buy people gifts that I know they want. Sometimes if I see something and I’m like, “This is so that person. I know they will love it,” I will make it a surprise. There is something about knowing in advance what someone wants. It also takes relief off of your head and like, “I want to make sure I get them something that they are going to like.” Either way can work, but it is nice to think in advance about what different things you could try to help yourself through your potential needs during the holidays and potential stressors.
Something else that is important to remember is to be thankful. I know that our family on my mom’s side, every year we all stand in a circle. We hold hands and tell each other what we are thankful for. Some of us have a short like, “I’m thankful for my family.” Some of us have a lot to be thankful for. It’s always nice to hear everyone’s thoughts on how they are thankful and what experiences they had that year that they are thankful for.
One of my favorite traditions of our family is we all stand in a circle and share something that we are thankful for. It’s such a beautiful experience to connect with everybody. That’s something that maybe if you haven’t done that, try it at your family get-together. Maybe there’s some tension in the room or some issues there. Maybe you haven’t seen each other in a while, and you want to feel connected. When you all go in around the room and say something that you are thankful for, by the end of it, when you finish that circle, you feel that your heart feels so warm.
You feel closer to everyone. You want to give a big group hug.
It’s a very bonding experience, and it’s one of my favorite traditions that we have as a family. I highly suggest that. At any time of our life, when we are struggling with mental health, especially during the holiday season, gratitude is genuinely a lifesaver. When you are feeling down and struggling with something, sometimes reframing your thoughts and focusing on something, even if it’s small that you are grateful for can kickstart your mind to help you move away from a direction that might not be so beneficial.
We say this all the time. If you are having a bad day, let yourself feel that. Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel what you need to feel, but remember after you have had that moment of expressing that part of your emotions to then move over into gratitude to the best of your ability. Even if you are not feeling it, you are feeling down, or you are not feeling grateful for anything, do me a favor and still make a list.
Set a boundary for yourself and give yourself a certain amount of time to be okay, but focus on something positive, whether it’s having water to drink and food to eat, a roof over your head, or a hand to hold.
Speaking of boundaries, that’s a good way to bring up another tip that we have for you. For a lot of people, sometimes the holiday season can be stressful because family dynamics can be complicated. Maybe you are going to see a relative or someone that you know bring up a little bit of stress in your soul. Something I want to remind you that you can do is you can set boundaries.
Even during the holiday season, boundaries are such a beautiful way to exercise self-love and compassion and be aware within yourself of what you can handle and cannot handle. Sometimes when you are already stressed and overwhelmed, the last thing you need is to have an argument about something that happened several years ago at a family reunion. Sometimes that’s not the best way to spend the holidays, probably not ever the best way to spend the holidays.
We want to remind you that if you are in a situation where you are feeling uncomfortable when you know something is being brought up that you are not comfortable speaking about, you have the power and the ability to gently and kindly say, “I love you so much, but I’d love it if, during this holiday season, we could talk about something else because I don’t want this to cause an issue. I love you so much and I want to enjoy the evening, night, or morning, whatever it is.” It’s okay to make those little requests and say them in a kind way. Remember that how people act is a reflection of themselves and not you.
It is going to be what you expect from other people in this season.
Regardless of how somebody reacts or what somebody says, try to remind yourself that it’s not personal because whatever is coming out of someone’s mouth is a reflection of something that they probably need to work on.
Don’t forget to set those boundaries with them in the most loving possible way possible. As I was saying, set your expectations from your family members or even maybe the party that you are planning. If you have everyone over to your house for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the holidays, sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves that it has to be perfect. You got to have all the perfect decorations and food, “I have all the perfect gifts for everybody.” It’s not about being perfect. It’s about enjoying the moment, loving each other, and being patient with each other. Remember that we all make mistakes, it’s okay, and we got to be there for each other. It’s the holiday season. It’s supposed to be a time of happiness and love.
As someone myself who struggles with perfectionism, I can tell you that is a recipe for disaster because the reality is none of us are perfect. No situation is perfect. If you are striving for perfection, you will always be let down because perfection doesn’t exist. We were all imperfectly perfect. It’s okay to have an event or a situation go a little bit differently than you expected. It’s important during this season to be able to go with the flow and be okay when something doesn’t go exactly the way you planned.
I don’t know if this has happened to us, but I feel like we have burned some food during the holidays.
You read my mind. I was going to say that, even if you burned the turkey, which I feel that’s happened to us probably. I don’t remember if it was for Thanksgiving, but I remember one time there was something going on and everything went wrong. The green beans burned. The turkey fell on the floor. Something crazy happened.
We ended up going out for a Thanksgiving dinner.
I was in Malibu. I don’t remember exactly, but I’m pretty sure it was during the holiday season. We all shed a tear because it was like, “What the heck is going on?” We laughed about it and decided to turn it into a bonding moment. We ended up going out to eat. It was a great holiday. It’s okay if everything doesn’t go exactly the way you planned.
Another thing that we want to remind you is that something that people sometimes struggle with during the holiday season is sometimes budget because there’s so much money being spent on gifts, family get-togethers, and all this stuff. Setting a budget can be something that extremely can relieve stress because you are like, “I’m spending this X amount of money on these gifts and these decorations on this.” That way, at the end of the year, you are not like, “I went way over my budget,” and get mad at yourself or however that goes. It is important to set a budget and be aware of what it is that you want to spend money on in advance because that is something that stresses out a lot of people during the holidays.
If you have a chance to set aside a little bit of money throughout the year, when you get to the end of the year, then you are like, “I have saved all this money so I have this money. I can also spend this much more.” It builds on itself. Maybe you didn’t get a chance to do that this 2022, but you can start planning for 2023.
In addition, sometimes we put an over-emphasis on spending money on expensive things for the holidays, gifts, and things like that. Sometimes the best gifts are inexpensive. It’s quality time. Some gifts that I love to give are photographs. I love to receive that gift also more than a lot of things because it’s a memory. It’s something special. It’s something handwritten.
It’s sometimes the sentimental value over the monetary value that hits home. I want to remind you that the holiday season doesn’t have to be super expensive. If you want to go and ball out, let’s go for it, but it doesn’t have to be that way either. Sometimes spending time with each other is the best gift that you could ever give. We love you so much, guys, and we hope that these tips help you through this holiday season. We are so excited to be live from the Virgin Hotels Las Vegas. We hope that you come back for more episodes.
If you have any questions, you can go to AskDestinyMalibu.com. You can submit your questions for some upcoming episodes that we are going to have and we’ll go ahead and address some of those questions on those future episodes.
We have been getting a lot of questions in there, so we will be addressing those very soon. I’m excited to do that. We love you folks so much, and we will see you on the next episode. Love you. Happy holidays.
Have you ever lost a loved one? In today’s episode, Destiny Malibu and DJ Dezzee give some helpful tips on how to cope with loss and grief. Having recently lost their grandfather, they share what has helped them through this hard time.
Listen to the podcast here
How To Cope With Losing A Loved One
We are so excited to be back. We missed you guys.
Thanks for coming again.
We are going to be talking about some more mental health topics. If you are new to the show, we are a mental health-focused show. We want to build a community of people who are working on themselves and talking about things that are going on in their lives and feel like they can bounce those ideas off with other people and like-minded people, and continually grow every single day. That’s what we’re about around here. Some of the topics we’re going to be talking about now are going to be a little heavy. One of the first ones that we are going to be discussing is how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
We are going to be in another episode pretty soon here talking about how to deal with the holiday seasons. Holiday seasons can be very tough for people during this time of year, especially if you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one. Dezzee and I are going to start by talking about how to manage and cope with that loss. I’m not sure if you guys know this, if you follow us, @DestinyMalibu and @DJDezzee on social media, but we lost our grandfather.
He was 85 years young.
We love him so much, and we miss him. It’s been a tough week just trying to navigate through those emotions. We have experienced loss, and that is never something that is easy to deal with. Our Grandpa Doug, in particular, who we lost, lived with us our whole lives. That in particular has been difficult because he’s someone that we’ve been used to seeing every day for as long as I’ve been alive.
That’s been hitting home and it’s been hard, but we want to talk with you guys about how to work through those emotions because losing a loved one and dealing with death is something that is unavoidable for all of us in the human experience. All of us are going to experience losing someone at some point. If this is something that we all are going to experience, how can we work through this?
Also, be there for each other and help each other because you’re not in this alone. We’re in this together.
We want to be here for you and want to share with you some tips on how to cope with such a severe loss. The first tip I want to give you is to talk about your feelings. You are going to probably feel a wide range of emotions. Everybody is different in what they’re feeling. Some people experience immense anger. Some people experience immense sadness, grief, guilt, denial, and shock. There are so many different emotions that you are probably going to experience. Our suggestion is to just make sure you let yourself feel all of them.
You don’t want to bottle it up. You got to let it out.
None of those emotions are wrong.
It’s okay to have your feelings.
It’s okay to ride that wave because it’s going to change each day as you are adjusting to this new reality. We want to remind you not to bottle up those feelings and to talk with somebody. Talk with somebody about how you were feeling and what you were going through. I know that in our family, we all were feeling different emotions.
Yes, we were.
We still are. When we found out in the initial moments, it was a combination of shock, anger, sadness, and grief. You have to remind yourself that it is normal to feel all of those emotions, and sometimes, even all at once. That’s okay.
Feeling your emotions also can cause you to neglect yourself. We don’t want you doing that. It’s important to remember to eat food, drink water, and get plenty of rest along the way because those are some of our survival things. We need to rest, eat food to survive and drink water.
I know a lot of people that I’ve talked with, myself included, sometimes, when I’m dealing with a stressful time, there can be different responses. Sometimes we undereat, overeat, turning to alcohol, or something to try to numb us. It’s important during a time of grief to the best of your ability to try and just sit with your feelings and try to prioritize that self-care and not forget that taking care of yourself during a period of grief is one of the most important times to take care of yourself because your body is already under so much emotional and psychological stress that it’s so important to remember and not neglect to take care of yourself physically.
Make sure that if it’s not you personally and it’s a friend or loved one, check in on them and say, “Did you eat today? Is there something I can bring you?” Try to be there for each other because it can be pretty challenging sometimes when you’re dealing with that much grief to even think about yourself. Another tip we want to share with you guys is being patient with yourself because sometimes it can take many years or months until you feel like you’re somewhat at a place of normalcy in your emotions as you’re going through and grieving something that big of a deal. Be patient with yourself because it might feel like, “Am I going to feel this way and this huge hole in my heart forever?”
I can say that because I have lost friends and family members before, you never stop missing somebody, but the pain does ease a little bit over time. It’s a reminder to yourself that you’re not going to feel this way forever. You’re not going to feel this huge sadness forever. That’s important to remember, especially when it can feel so overwhelming and you’re like, “I can’t sustain this level of emotional volatility for very long.” It’s a reminder that it will get better, and to let yourself feel those emotions and understanding that the missing doesn’t go away, but the pain will ease with time. Give yourself time.
Don’t forget that just because you’re missing someone and maybe you’re afraid that you’re going to miss somebody, you don’t have to forget them. There are plenty of ways to remember your loved one, through photos, stories, creating a celebration of life photo book, or something along those lines that will help you to always remember the person that you lost.
A lot of times, we can find comfort when we’re missing somebody if we were lucky enough to be able to have a piece of their clothing, like a jacket, hat, or bracelet. Sometimes, even just photos, being able to look at photos and cherish memories since, and if they wore a specific type of scent.
Many of those things can take us back into that moment with that person and help in those moments when we’re very desperately missing somebody. I want to remind you guys to have that coat, memory, or something that you can turn to on hand, so in those moments, you know a remedy that you can turn to that you know immediately is going to make you feel a little bit better.
I know that whenever I’m going to be playing rummy and cards, I will always think of grandpa because he was the first one to teach me how to play rummy.
Some amazing memory I have of my grandpa is my grandpa always calling me his Marilyn Monroe. He loved watching my music and my music videos. We’re both crying now. We got to pull it together. He loved watching our music and loved watching Dezzee and I perform. It’s just important to remember that you can talk about those memories. It’s nice to know that you still have those memories. You still have those belongings you can turn to and still feel close to that person. It’s so important to talk about those memories, let yourself reminisce, and feel the memory of their presence because it really helps.
There’s one thing that he loved to say when we would play rummy. He had a saying for every card that he’d pick up. One that sticks out is eight, skate, and donate.
He loves to say that. He had a bunch of sayings for every single time we are playing cards. I wasn’t ever the best at playing cards and still, I’m not, but we have fun memories of our grandpa. He loved to play chess. He’s a big game player.
He’d take us to play tennis, too, when we were little kids.
One of my favorite memories of him is from when I was a little girl, he and I were both obsessed with pistachios. I was obsessed with pistachio ice cream. He loved pistachios. I remember he would get a 25-pound bag of pistachios.
Maybe a pound. A 25-pound is huge.
Maybe it looked like 25 pounds because I was five. I just remember a huge bag of pistachios. We would just sit there in silence, cracking open those pistachios, and eating them for hours. I always think of my grandpa when I eat pistachios. It’s the little things like that to remember and hold onto. It helps to share that with somebody when you’re missing them and to think about something positive about that person. Here are two more tips we have for you. One is a lot of times, we lose somebody unexpectedly or always think we’re going to have more time. A lot of times, we don’t feel like we got to say everything that we wanted to say.
Something that can be helpful with the grieving process is to write a letter to that person that you lost and let yourself say everything that you wanted to say that maybe you didn’t get a chance to. Let all those emotions out. This is something that helps because I know a lot of people, when losing someone, are like, “I didn’t get to tell them I love you for the last time. I didn’t get to tell them about that one time in my life that meant so much to me, a deep dark secret, or whatever it was.” Write it in a letter. This can be cleansing and beneficial for our mental health to get that out on paper and release it from our bodies.
This is something I highly recommend. Last but not least, if you are severely struggling, we recommend always that you talk to a professional and seek professional help because no one is going to have better answers for you than a professional. Talking to a friend, family member, or someone trusted that you love is also extremely beneficial. Talking to a professional, if you have that opportunity, there are online hotlines for free, and you can find resources like that.
I’d love to say BetterHelp because better help is a very affordable online version of therapy. If you have an in-person therapist, that’s amazing, too. We want to remind you that even though you might be feeling so much now, you are going to be okay. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. Cherish those memories and be patient with yourself. Give yourself time and surround yourself with people that you love.
If you want to share any happy memories of the people in your life that you may have lost, please feel free to send it to AskDestinyMalibu.com, and we’d be happy to read those.
On our YouTube channel at Destiny Malibu, you can leave comments about your loved ones there on this specific episode. That would be beautiful to read. We love you so much. We are so excited to be talking about mental health at the Virgin Hotels Las Vegas and sharing with you something important to talk about.
You never know when it’s going to happen. Sometimes, you expect it, but it’s important to talk about it.
We are so grateful for you and for this community of people focused on bettering themselves every day. We love you so much, and we will see you in the next episode.